The Curse of Being my own Worst Enemy
Note: What follows is a personal rant. I do not mean to use my tumblr for complaining. However, I gain insight through expressing myself.
When My anxiety hits, its like my humanity is drained from me. The cold starts to creep down, leaving me empty- as if to make my fears echo inside with nothing left to challenge their sensibility.
Sometimes it feels like it wont leave.
First the depression strikes the moment I open my eyes, leaving it impossible to find a reason to get up. Any worldly desires I once had are forgotten to me now- replaced with dread and fear. Internally, any attempt to motivate myself is discredited- Instead my own mind backs the fear: I am worthless; I am nothing; It is fact that none of us have purpose and meaning. This mantra confuses me, because it is true.
Then I worry, “When will it leave? I thought I was done with this. Am I defective? Can I not understand how to be happy? Do I even want to be happy? How does somebody be happy? I dont remember the last time I was actually happy. Im pathetic and shouldnt be thinking about this, this will make it worse.”
Then panic sets in. Suddenly every failure is a stab to the heart. Interactions with people are too much for me. Loud noises scare me more. I start to hyperventilate, consciously trying not to throw myself into a full blown panic attack. It happens though, and my behavior can really confuse those around me, and the explanation is hard to convey at the time.
I used to be able to ward off others depression and worries with little effort. I could communicate to others what I learned through the trials of life, I could make people smile and help them make their own goals. I was applauded in high school, I have a list of those I helped and who have recovered. But, being a hypocrite, I ward off those same words of advice. I refute my own argument to stay depressed. Every time I had beaten it before it just came back.
After so many years, one has to realize that this will happen. I suppose when I am stricken by this dread, what I am is in fact terrified that it wont leave. Maybe thats the curse of anxiety and depression- this everlasting cycle of depression, recovery and panic- When its gone, you fear the return, and when its back you never see the light at the end.
Its been so many years and I’m tired of perpetuating my own inability to function. I have to set my eyes on the horizon, and keep moving no matter how hard I fall.